Lets not beat around the bush. I'll hit you with it quick, like taking off a plaster.
I quit. I'm NOT running Berlin.
*lets that sink in a while*
Am I injured? No. Can I not afford the travel? No. Am I just giving up? Kind of yes, kind of no.
I'm not sure really why I'm blogging about it either, 'cause lets face it - no one wants to look like a quitter. Mainly I'm embarrassed to have 'attempted' my second Half Marathon in life of which I've achieved zero. Maybe publicising this will make me think before applying to any more things in my life that I can't give 110% to.
I have numerous reasons (I know you just thought 'excuses'); but I think if I'm honest with myself, I don't have the time to do this. Now before you give me - I study full time, have a child, own a donkey, work part time at Mc Donalds, with cleaning on the side and still have time to train - first of all, well done to you, but I know me, and I struggle at the best of times with my degree, to justify sacrificing it for running would be ridiculous.
Essentially I think I'm the epitome of the duck. *quack*. Calm of the surface, paddling like crazy underneath, only to just keep my head above water. I always knew a degree in something you clawed your way onto with a D at A Level would be a challenge, but not this much of a challenge. I need every free day I can get to try my best at something that to some people comes as second nature, yet I still only get mediocre results.
Really, I should have thought before I got caught up with the end of the Team Bangs hype. I loved that day and only hoped I could run a half marathon with as much passion and excitement as those girls did; but when I agreed to a race in Berlin I didn't realise my dissertation deadline would be three days before, nor that I'd have an Italian speaking exam, a business presentation and numerous other rubbish that will predictably take up every day I have towards the end of March.
I'm lucky enough to be friends with some of the most inspirational people I['ve] ever [will] know[n]. Seeing them go out in the snow, running around London, beating all odds & PB's is an amazing thing. Enough inspiration for the entire UK and then some. I always watch & root for them in awe, but even that cannot get me out the door and into my dri fit.
I've struggled with the 'easier' weeks in my plan - I also made progress, but not enough. I've struggled finding the time. I've struggled finding the energy. Overall, my heart is just not in it.
I still love running.
Having said all that, I still love it. It has given me knew goals, ambition and something to work towards. Its improved my fitness, made me join a gym and generally get off my ass and move more often than I've ever done before. But for now it's time to shelve it. I want to discover more classes, more ways of exercising that I really enjoy. I used to love spinning, pilates and swimming. I want to find a way of combining this new found love of exercise with my full time studies. Life is nothing if you don't enjoy it, and God only knows how much I dislike Spanish at the moment.
So, it's not the end, and hopefully at some point in my life I'll decide I'm properly ready enough to take on the huge task that is a Half Marathon.
Until then I'll say hasta luego to my dri-fit and hello library books & a huge good luck to all those running Berlin :)